Skip to content →

Day: August 9, 2018

Do the Dishes

Published August 9, 2018 by Andrew

Space didn’t cure the monotony of life. The dishes still needed to be done. Clothes still needed to be washed. You even had to dust those tiny buttons on those tiny screens.

Yeah, once the thrill of SPAAAACCCCCEEEEE was over, life up here is still a to do list.

I miss bugs. I know that sounds weird, as there are probably a million people who would love a bug free life, but I miss them. Not the natty, swishy ones, but real bugs. I’d love to come across a big spider while working in the bulkhead. Or a cockroach. A big orange one.

You take these things for granted when you’re in space, like the sound of the washing machine. I miss that, swish, swish of the water as it goes around and around.

You get up here in space, for what? The adventure? That wore off pretty quick. So there you are dry washing clothes and reconstituting your dinner with recycled water.

But, the amazing view!! After awhile, it’s the same old thing everyday. There are no seasons, there is no rain. Just those same stars in those same places.

Ask me, I know. I’ve been staring out this escape pod window for the last three days.

We’re just a bit away from that red giant. Yeah, that one there. We were transporting minerals back to the space station. Pretty routine stuff.

That’s when the fire hit. I’ve never seen so many failures. We tried to control her, but it just wasn’t our day. So here I am, sitting in an escape pod watching space.

I bet Peter overfilled the washing machine again.

Leave a Comment

Mother Fucking Moose

Published August 9, 2018 by Andrew

There is a common misconception that the grizzly bear is the most dangerous animal in the Alaska woods. This isn’t to say a bear won’t kill you if given the chance, but in all honesty, those encounters are rare.

Nope, the beast that you need to worry about is the moose. Moose are big, ugly and everywhere. Moose don’t like you or your kind. If nature wants to kill you, Moose want to fuck you up before it does.

With this in mind, I was a taken aback when the biker passing us shouted, “Moose a mile or two down the way.”

My heart raced.

I was trying to balance the danger of the situation with my enthusiasm for an actual, up close Moose encounter.

Would it dart out from the side of the trail and check us like a 4 ton angry, ugly hockey player? What would the headlines say?

STUPID TOURIST FROM ARIZONA KILLED BY LOCAL MOOSE.

I wrestled with my inner Moose demons. Then it happened.

Stacy was riding out in front as I glanced to the right.

MOTHER FUCKING MOOSE! Right there, a MOTHER FUCKING MOOSE.

It was just standing there. It’s beady red eyes glaring at me. It was so close I could have reached out and given it a high five. Then I remembered that you should never high-five a Moose.

Stacy didn’t see the Moose. I almost missed it. The damn thing blending completely into the forest. And of course now that I saw it, it was now my duty to alert her.

So, I yelled STAAAAACCCCCCYYYYYY MMMOOOTHHHER FUUUUCKKKKKINGGGG MOOOOOOSSSSSE.

I’m not blaming the bike industry for what happened next, but why do we need brakes on the front wheel of a bike? Suddenly I found myself in an Alaskan forest ditch with a Moose looking at my ass like it was dinner.

Not today Moose, not today. If Alaska is going to eat me, I would prefer it be a bear. Is this why they are so angry?

Lucky for me, my years of Moose training kicked in and I was quickly to my feet. As I looked back, the Moose winked at me. Mutual respect?

Stacy never did see the Moose.

Leave a Comment